This series of short posts deals with the most frequent issues that lead to relationship conflict and often end in an impasse.
Communication
Communication is the front-runner when a relationship heads into a downward spiral. In my clinical and personal experience, communication at the level of a close intimate relationship is a genuinely difficult thing to do. That may seem counterintuitive. We all communicate all the time, right? True, but most people do it poorly, especially when emotions heat up, and you can be sure that feelings are always involved in these conversations.
Our emotional system is sophisticated and hard to read with any accuracy. It is difficult to take a reading of our own feelings when we are arguing and emotions are flowing fast and hot. In those moments it is very hard to understand our own feelings, let alone those of the person we are in conflict with. Conversations quickly lose their flow and become an argument or, worse, a fight. They go in circles, lose all logic, and no one listens to the other any more. In the end everyone feels hurt, and one or both decide there is no point in talking.
The problem with disengaging is that the issues fester. People feel ignored and disregarded, anger and hurt build, and the next argument is fuelled by all that repressed resentment. If this sounds familiar, it is because many couples go through this dynamic.
A competent relationship therapist can coach a couple through a much more effective communication process while containing whatever anger and hurt the couple brings into the room. See relationship counselling and the rules for productive communication.