When your relationship is struggling but your spouse does not want to attend counselling, you can do relating counselling on your own. Your relationship is a dynamic system that both of you influence, and you have complete control over your half of it.
Couples in troubled marriages often wait too long to get help. By the time both partners agree to counselling, the relationship has often been strained to breaking point.
Why people avoid relationship counselling
Some common reasons a partner does not want to attend:
- fear that counselling will spell the end of the relationship;
- "it's not my fault" thinking;
- fear of failing;
- they have detached to the point of being only physically present and do not want to invest emotionally;
- fear of hearing there is no hope and nothing will change;
- they may be content with the way things are;
- fear of feeling vulnerable;
- they may be satisfied with the balance of power in the relationship;
- fear of the topics, feelings or events that may come up;
- a belief that the counsellor will take the other partner's side and that counselling will become an opportunity to lecture, scold or ridicule them; or
- low confidence in their ability to change anything about themselves.
Relating therapy for one
I am familiar with doing relating therapy for one person. A couples-based approach is far more effective than traditional individual therapy for these concerns. Being the lone client is in no way an admission that you alone are the problem, even if your partner insists you are. Whatever you have done or whatever difficulties you face, your marital struggles cannot be just about you. Seeking help on your own simply means you are willing to take the first steps towards change.
Relating counselling can change how you relate, and by doing something different and more effective you prompt a change in your partner's way of relating too. Sometimes the best way to change your spouse is to model positive change in your own life. You can encourage your spouse to communicate better by communicating better yourself. You can teach your spouse to respect you by setting and keeping boundaries, and by respecting them as well. This is often more effective than trying to force someone into counselling, and when one partner starts, the other often becomes curious and wants to get involved.
Relating counselling also helps you get to know yourself: your attitudes, memories, behaviours, expectations, hopes, concerns and fears, in the marriage and as an individual. This can prevent you feeling depressed or helpless, and it goes a long way towards understanding your role in the conflict and clarifying your plans for the future.
It can also involve re-evaluating your priorities, as a partner and as an individual. You may consider which of your spouse's negative behaviours you can live with and which are impossible to accept, and whether the current situation is a temporary crisis or a real impasse. The therapist may ask you to consider the best and worst things that could happen if you decide to separate, and the best and worst things that could happen if you stay together. These questions can make things a little clearer.