The following rules are designed to help you engage in efficient conflict resolution and effective discussion.
In a relationship, individuals always have some different needs, wants and opinions. Those differences generate discussions, debates and, yes, at times arguments and fights. This is inevitable, even in couples who have a great relationship and much fondness for each other.
For many couples, though, disagreements quickly turn into conflicts that cause hurt, anger, defensiveness, aggressive feelings and other strong emotions. When disagreements escalate into all-out wars, partners can act abusively and soon disconnect from each other. This pattern leads to dissatisfaction, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and loneliness. Does that seem familiar? If it does, it is because this dynamic is very common.
The good news is that while arguments and conflicts are unavoidable in long-term relationships, ineffective and destructive patterns of arguing can certainly be avoided. Follow these rules and you will notice a swift improvement in the quality of your relationship.
Setting up the discussion
Request a time to have the discussion. Many destructive fights happen when one partner feels ambushed. Let your partner know that you want them to understand your feelings and needs about the issue, and do not insist on having the discussion right there and then. Allow sufficient time for the conversation. Insisting on having it out when you are irritated is likely to end in disappointment and hurt. Get on with what you were doing, whether that is preparing for work, taking the kids to footy or visiting a friend.
Be willing to accept some distress in order to deal with issues that have real significance for you. Avoiding your concerns bottles up resentment and frustration on both sides. Define clearly the complaint or need you want to discuss and, if necessary, argue about.
Do not escape the emotional heat by ending the conflict prematurely. Do not apologise, or pretend to agree with your partner's stance, in order to feel less distressed. The same applies to accepting blame and responsibility for something you have not done.
Do not give your partner the cold shoulder when you become upset during an argument. Sulking accomplishes nothing, and you both go on hurting unnecessarily. This kind of avoidance is felt as a lack of care and interest, and it generates more anxiety and resentment. Whatever your thoughts are telling you at the time, you know the relationship will eventually go back to normal, so why wait and suffer? Whoever flies the white flag first wins.
During the argument
Respect the communication process. These discussions are inherently difficult, so focus and bring your best. Take the argument seriously and do not discount the importance of what is being discussed. Avoid sarcasm altogether. Do not bring others into the conversation or criticise your partner's relatives or friends.
Watch for impulsiveness. Emotions are energising and likely to trigger action. When we are irritated and frustrated, acting out impulsively in word or deed is very likely. Only a high degree of self-awareness helps us hold back the impulse when we feel strong emotions and remain in control of our actions.
Monitor your emotional state. Track your SUDS (subjective units of distress), a mental scale from 1 to 10 of how distressed you feel. The higher the emotional intensity, the less likely you are to remain rational. Once the fight-or-flight response is triggered you enter a dangerous zone. Awareness of your emotional state, and the ability to turn the intensity down, is an important part of emotional intelligence. Once you or your partner reach about 7, it may be time to take a break.
Speak your mind clearly and say how you feel. Feeling emotions is a normal part of the process. Communicating what you are feeling, positive and negative, is necessary for better understanding and empathy.
Listen, listen, listen. If there is a golden rule of communication, this is it. Hear your partner with the intention of understanding rather than solving. Being understood is often more important than having a problem solved. Be careful not to make assumptions or interpretations, or to shape a response in your mind, while your partner is talking. Aim to understand your partner's perspective fully before anything else. Listening well is the first step towards empathy, the ability to sense what it is like to be in the other person's shoes. Empathy is the most efficient way to de-escalate emotional intensity and turn negative feelings into positive ones.
Remember that your partner is not your enemy. Do not take an automatic oppositional stance. You are on the same team, and you cannot win over the other. Unless the argument leads to greater understanding and genuine compromise, you both lose. You will know you are squaring up as enemies when the ABCs of an argument appear: accusation, blame and coercion. When either partner relates in this way, the chances of a positive resolution drop sharply.
Do not threaten your partner with a break-up or divorce in order to get your way. Try not to overreact, and keep things in perspective.
Look for solutions that accommodate each other's concerns, at least in part. Unless the issue is truly non-negotiable, aim for an effective compromise.
Deal with one concern at a time. Do not bring up old conflicts or unrelated issues; that mistake results in exhausting, ineffective fights.
Maintain respect at all times. Despite the disagreement, your partner is important to you. Show it by not carelessly doing anything that would hurt them.
Never attack your partner's character. Point out specific behaviours instead. Express your dislike of your partner's actions rather than referring to character traits.
Be open to suggestions. See the argument as an opportunity to grow. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner. Since you will argue anyway, why not make arguments a positive experience and help each other grow?
Admit when you did or said something wrong as soon as you realise it, and take responsibility for your part in what is not working. Acknowledging your own mistakes models a non-defensive attitude, and your partner may become less defensive when they do not feel accused of everything that is going wrong.
Show appreciation for your partner's efforts to argue well. Highlighting a good suggestion, compromise or solution generates goodwill, and those positive actions are likely to be reciprocated. This helps throughout, and especially towards the end of the argument as you move from the conflict back to your day. Ending an argument on good terms makes it a positive experience, and you will be more willing to have these discussions in future.
When an issue cannot be solved in one go
Be aware, and accept, that some issues cannot be solved in one discussion. If you encounter one, such as a power struggle or infidelity, make sure you both understand that you will need to discuss it again. Set a time to continue and declare a ceasefire in between.
Some problems in every relationship are unresolvable: fundamentally opposing views or needs. They do not have to end the relationship, but because they will continue to be a source of irritation, they need to be aired and heard from time to time.