Depression and marital problems are increasingly common. Depression affects a significant portion of the population, and many relationships face separation or divorce. Depression can contribute to marital problems, but it does not always lead to separation, and not every separation is caused by depression. When people seek help for mental health, though, marital problems and depression are often the most common concerns.
A cycle that feeds itself
Studies show that in many distressed relationships at least one partner is clinically depressed. This can create a cycle in which depression causes marital problems, and those problems in turn worsen the depression. In relationships where one spouse is depressed, couples report more discomfort and negative feelings than those without depression.
Caring for a partner with depression can be very stressful, and it sometimes leads the caregiver to develop depression as well. More than half of people with depression report marital problems, and those problems significantly increase the likelihood of divorce.
One of the main ways depression affects a marriage is through communication. When couples fight, depression shapes how they communicate, often leading to misunderstandings and negative interactions. A depressed person may also struggle to see the relationship in a positive light, which causes more strain.
Being the partner of someone with depression
The spouse of someone with depression often entered the relationship with hopes and dreams, only to find themselves in a caregiving role they had not anticipated. Living with a depressed spouse can limit social activities, affect careers and strain the relationship. Many caregiver spouses report feeling overwhelmed, isolated and emotionally drained, and some begin to see their partner more as a burden than as a spouse.
Caregiver spouses often take on more of the household and the children, which leads to frustration and resentment. That added stress, combined with the lack of emotional support from their depressed partner, puts them at risk of depression themselves. Many feel they cannot ask for help out of fear or shame, which isolates them further.
In these situations both partners may start to see each other negatively. The depressed partner can seem distant or hostile, while the caregiver feels angry or resentful. These emotions can lead to damaging behaviour such as name-calling or hurtful comparisons, which harm the relationship further.
Living with a depressed partner can be disheartening. Caregiver spouses often feel helpless, unable to lift their partner out of despair no matter how much love or sympathy they offer. Over time they may start to lose themselves, feeling the same worthlessness and hopelessness as their partner.
Getting help
In these circumstances it is crucial for both partners to seek help. Individual and couples counselling provide tools to manage depression and improve communication within the relationship. By addressing both the depression and the marital issues, couples can work towards rebuilding their relationship and finding a way forward together.
Depression can have a devastating effect on a relationship, but understanding the challenges and seeking the right help makes a real difference. Both the depressed person and their partner need support, and with the right resources it is possible to come through these difficulties and keep a strong, healthy relationship. See relationship counselling in my practice.